Friday, October 22

This morning we got to the hospital before 8:00am to be part of the pre-op team huddle at Walker's bedside. As more and more surgeons and doctors started surrounding us and his bed, I was overwhelmed and started crying. It all felt like a lot. At least 10 different people on his team each went over their part of the plan for Walker's surgery today. It was reassuring to know all the care and thought that had gone into planning his surgery, but also scary to see how many people it would take to keep him safe and healthy today.

After the huddle, we followed Walker in his incubator to where they took him in for surgery. He went into surgery at 9:15am. Despite how scared I was, all last night and all throughout his surgery today I truly felt a peace that passes understanding and I thank God for that. Reading all your messages and knowing how many people were praying for Walker today throughout his entire surgery carried us through.

At around 2:00pm the lead surgeon came to meet us and update us on how Walker's surgery went. Walker did fine under the anesthesia and his heart was stable throughout the surgery. When the surgeons got inside, they found out that the fistula connected to Walker's trachea much lower down that they anticipated, and that his esophagus was much shorter than they anticipated as well. They were able to detach the fistula from his trachea and close that up. However, because the gap between his esophagus and stomach was larger than they expected, they were not able to connect it so his stomach. They tried, but the connection was too tight and sutures would not hold. As the surgeon told us this, I cried. I cried because I knew this meant our baby would still not be able to eat. It was not the result we were hoping for, and we were disappointed.

The surgeon explained that in about a week, they would put a feeding tube directly into Walker's stomach so that he can start being fed the breastmilk that I am pumping. Once the feeding tube is inserted, they will do something called "gap studies" to monitor the size of the gap between his esophagus and stomach. The hope is that as Walker gets bigger, the gap between his esophagus and stomach will get small enough that they will be able to go back in to surgically attach it. They hope this will happen by the time he is about 3-4 months old. The surgeon then explained that until Walker's esophagus is attached to his stomach, he will need to remain in the NICU. This was very hard news to hear, as it opened our eyes to the realization that Walker will be in the NICU for a long time.

After speaking with the surgeon, we waited at least another hour before we were able to go back into the NICU to see Walker. His nurse explained to us that it took them a little while to get him stable after returning from surgery. He is currently still sedated and will remain that way for a few days so that he does not move and his little body has time to heal from the surgery. Since his surgery, his blood pressure has been very low, so they have had to start him on epinephrine and norepinephrine to try to control it. His bilirubin levels have also been too high, so he will be under the phototherapy lights for the next 24 hours.

Today was the most emotional day I have had yet. It was really hard to see Walker after his surgery, sedated and not able to move, with the phototherapy lights on him. I was overwhelmed with just wanting so badly to hold my baby and feel like I could do something, anything, to take this all away from him. I was hit hard by the realization that I won't be able to breastfeed my baby for a very long time, possibly at all, and that I will be pumping 8 times a day for the foreseeable future. I was upset when someone actually said out loud for the first time today that Walker will be in the NICU for at least the next few months.

Despite all of the emotions and disappointments, I also know in my heart how much I have to be thankful for today. I thank God for keeping Walker safe throughout his surgery, even though the results were not exactly what we had hoped for. I thank God for the absolutely amazing care that Walker is getting at Sick Kids and the fact that I can actually get rest because I know he is such good hands. I thank God for medicine and technology and gifted medical professionals that are keeping my baby alive. I thank God for the army of people that have been supporting us and praying for us. I thank God for the strong, faithful husband I have to hold my hand through all of this. I thank God for our faith, because without it we would have no hope, but with it we know that all of this is for His purpose and that He will never leave us to walk through this alone.