Monday, November 1

Yesterday was the first day since Walker was born that we didn't spend time visiting with him. It was hard, and I felt all kinds of mom guilt, but I did it. I am trying to give myself permission to take a break and spend time at home with Jordynn and Easton, too. But I am definitely struggling with feeling like I can't be there for all of them as much as I want to be. It's tough.

Today I drove downtown to spend the day with Walker while Andrew stayed home with Jordynn and Easton. We set up a Zoom call through the hospital social work team so that the kids could "see" their baby brother for the first time, other than in pictures. It was really special. They heard Walker crying and sang him a song, and got to see his little arms and legs moving and kicking. They also got to see his space and his things, including the special stuffies that sit in his bed that Jordynn and Easton picked out for him. As sweet as it was, it was also emotional for me because I want so badly for them to get to touch and hold their brother, but I know it will be a very long time before that happens. I am sad that they will miss out on so much with him.

Walker was doing really well today. I spent an hour holding him in my arms and spent another hour doing skin-to-skin with him. Honestly, there is no better feeling than having him lying on my chest. I wish he could stay there forever. In very exciting news, Walker wore clothes today for the first time! He is regulating his own body temperature well so does not need to be under the heating lamp anymore and can wear clothes and be swaddled instead. His little onesie was huge on him, but oh so cute, and I had fun getting to put it on him. Walker is also doing great without his intubation tube and has not needed any assistance to breathe since it came out. He is completely weaned off of his fentanyl now, and is on morphine instead (fentanyl is much, much stronger than morphine). His jaundice levels have been staying down for the last few days and they were able to get his sodium levels back to normal. All things to be very thankful for.

We did get some disappointing news today, though. We found out that Walker's G-tube insertion procedure, which was supposed to happen tomorrow at 8:00am, got cancelled because there was no cardiac anesthesiologist available. We haven't heard yet when it will be rescheduled for, but our nurse said hopefully another day later this week. My initial reaction was disappointment, even a little bit of frustration. I held it together and didn't cry. But after a little while I came around to the fact that these things happen for a reason-- God's timing is not our own, and I am trusting that Walker's procedure will happen exactly when it is supposed to.

Please continue to pray that Walker remains stable and strong. That he continues to breathe well on his own and steadily gain weight. That he is protected from any illnesses or infections, especially as RSV season begins in the NICU.

Pray that we will hear about a new date for Walker's procedure and that it will not be too far down the road. Pray that this procedure happens exactly when it is supposed to and that it is completely successful. Pray that he will be able to start getting breast milk soon.

Pray that our family will find a sense of balance and routine soon. That we will all adjust to a new "normal," and that Andrew and I will feel like we are able to give all three of our children the love and attention they need.