Saturday, October 30

We got to the hospital pretty early on Friday morning because we did not want to miss them removing Walker’s chest and intubation tubes. All I could think about was getting to hold him, and the sooner it could happen the better.

Of course, things don’t always happen in our time. There were some other tests that the nurses needed to run on Walker and they needed to wait for the general surgery team to come by to remove the chest tube for him. At 1:00pm his chest tube got removed. The doctor said his incision looked great and removing the tube didn’t seem to cause him any pain.

Once the chest tube was removed, we were excited for his intubation tube to get removed as well, but the surgeon said we needed to wait 3-4 hours to make sure he was stable before we could remove the intubation tube. So, we tried to wait patiently (Andrew a little more so than myself). By mid-afternoon the nurse came by to tell us that because of the timing, they likely weren’t going to remove his intubation tube until after shift change, which is at 7:00pm. So around 4:00pm we decided to head back to our hotel room for a bit to rest and eat.

We came back to the hospital at around 7:00pm and the nurse told us that the respiratory therapists usually don’t come until around 8:00pm to do their rounds, which is when they would hopefully remove Walker’s intubation tube. More waiting. I was determined to hold Walker yesterday and was ready to wait until midnight if we had to.

By around 8:30pm the respiratory therapist came and said she was going to turn off Walker’s ventilation machines first for a while to make sure he was okay without them, and then she could remove his intubation tube. He passed the test and around 8:45pm she said she could take it out. Poor little guy was not too happy getting the bandaids and tape taken off from around his mouth and nose, but the tube came out and he was breathing all on his own for the first time. I felt like such a proud mama, but was also nervous at the same time and kept watching his machines to make sure all his numbers were still stable.

Once Walker’s tube was out, we had to wait about an hour to make sure he was stable and able to breathe fine on his own. And then it finally happened. At 10:10pm on Friday night, I got to hold my sweet, sweet Walker James for the very first time.

It’s hard to describe the feeling of holding your child for the first time after 10 long days of waiting. When Walker came out he was taken away without my getting to touch or even see him. I had to spend two long days at the hospital in Newmarket recovering while he was at SickKids and I could only see pictures of him. It was really hard to feel connected and bonded to him. Then came a week of sitting by his bedside in the NICU, trying to touch him and connect with him but feeling like it was so hard. I sang to him and held his head and his hands and his feet, but I wanted to feel the weight of his little body in my arms, on my chest.

When I finally got to hold him last night after a long day of anticipation, I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t even really take it in. I thought I would cry tears of joy and relief, but none came. It was hard to process. I was so happy, so relieved, and it felt so good, but my emotions were having a hard time catching up with what was happening.

Today as I was sitting in the chair, rocking with him on my chest, the tears finally came. The feeling of his skin against mine and his little chest going up and down as he breathed was the best feeling in the world. This little boy is a living, breathing miracle. I finally felt like he was real, like he was mine. I carried him in my belly for 32 weeks, I waited by his bedside for 10 days, and now he finally felt like my baby. I didn’t want to ever put him down. I am so thankful God chose me to be his mama.